Ember is almost a year old….Let’s Talk about this Time Last Year
Originally written 12/14/2019
I cannot believe my daughter is almost a year old....she turned 11 months old last week. So crazy! I have always felt that life picks up speed the older we get, days seem go by faster and before you know it a week, a month, a whole year has gone by. Throw having a baby in the mix and that speed doubles!
Watching this tiny creature you slowly built over nine months, putting your entire heart and soul into the wellbeing of this person you just met, is super powerful. I am constantly amazed with her and everything she has taught me. I always thought being a parent was about teaching your child about this crazy thing called life. Instead I met my greatest teacher. Ember has taught me;
Enjoy the teeny tiniest things in life.
Have patience and perseverance.
Forgive easily.
Don't take anything for granted.
The greatest blessings are not things, but people.
Waking up early feels great!
You can make fun out of the most mundane things.
I expect to learn more from her every single day. Soooooo in celebration of this beautiful tiny soul, I thought I would share something that I wrote around the end of December last year. Its pretty honest....I was very pregnant, very uncomfortable, and very emotional.
"Finding out I was pregnant was scary and exciting all at the same time. I was not ready. I thought I had years until I would bring a child into the world. Emotionally, and health-wise I had been crumbling up to that point. I was out too much. I drank too much. I was pushing away my best friend and love of my life. I was sad and making poor choices. So in retrospect, becoming pregnant saved me.
When I had just come to terms with the prospect of becoming a mother and figuring out how to support a little one while chasing my dreams, I had found blood in my underwear. A lot of it. I was sure I miscarrying. That broke me and I knew I would slip down the same slippery unhappy slope I had been traversing before. Turns out it was a subchorionic hematoma. Baby would stay or leave and there was nothing I could do to change the situation. I remained hopeful. I sent all of my love to my growing little friend and child. Every time I saw red....it broke me a little.
Eventually the bleeding stopped and I was in the clear again. But first trimester sickness (actually well into the second trimester) hit me and I was miserable. I hardly left my bed. I worked from home A LOT. Being sick for months on end started to make me depressed. But I knew it was worth it for my little emotional and mental savior I was growing inside.
Right as I was reaching my threshold of ability to stay positive whilst being sick and in pain, the morning sickness and sadness went away! Mid-second trimester bliss took over. I had an immense amount of energy. I was planning and buying for baby. Jordan and I were coming together again in a marvelously healthy way. Working on the foundation of our relationship before bringing a child into the world. Just pure bliss. I still didn’t enjoy being pregnant. But I wasn’t miserable, I was happy and working hard.
Now I’m in the final stretch. Impatience and grumpiness have reared their faces again. I won’t be depressed by any means. I have too much to hope for! But the pain is wearing me down and I’m very excited to start my maternity leave. I fell down the stairs the other day taking laundry down to the laundry room. Baby is totally ok! However my hips and back are now killing me!!!
I could have hours/days/weeks until baby arrives. The waiting is driving me crazy. I just want to know when!!! It doesn’t have to be tomorrow or even this week. The unknown is scary. It’s intimidating. I’m excited to go through what I know will be the most intense and spiritually awakening experience of my life, birthing our beautiful baby.
Baby. We are ready for you. We love you and can’t wait to finally kiss and get to know the person we have talked about everyday for the last nine months. You saved me. You saved your daddy and me both. I am forever grateful for your presence and your teachings."